JOE RATZINGER

A REVOLVING DOOR OF PILGRIMS

2005-04-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

As was widely reported, Sunday mass was attended by nearly 200,000 Pilgrims. How can the Body of Christ compete with turkey and cranberry sauce? Not very dignified.

I wish The Pilgrims would visit other cities, too. It seems that other cities are visited only by tourists. What is it with The Pilgrims and the Vatican? The Pilgrims are protestants, are they not? I know there's something here I'm not getting.

THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX

2005-04-25T11:44:00.000-07:00

I continue to receive bad press, so I decided to do something dynamic to propel my papacy to the next level.

I emailed an invitation to the senior clerics of Islam, Buddhism, Judaism, Hinduism and Taoism to join me at the Vatican for a three-legged race to settle, once and for all, the question of who has the best version of God.

This landmark event will occur over Memorial Day Weekend. The world has never seen anything like this. We’ll serve hot dogs; straight up dogs for the Hindus.

The winner gets the Popemobile for a month and their choice of altar boys.

MORE BAD NEWS

2005-04-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

Upon retesting, the Vatican Department of Motor Vehicles found that I am a man of limited vision. It sucks to be Pope.

NAME CHANGE NIGHTMARES

2005-04-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

What a hassle this new name is!

I was on Amazon ordering a fresh copy of Tony Robbins, Unlimited Power : The New Science Of Personal Achievement. My original copy is worn out. And, let me tell you - his techniques work. Tony told me to write down my goals. He said if I schedule it and make it a priority, I can make it happen. Next thing you know, poof, I'm Pontiff! Couldn't have done it without St. Anthony's System.

But, now Amazon's rejecting me! The card I had on file under my old name has been shut down. I tried entering Pope in the First Name Field and Benedict in the Last Name Field. That didn't work. So, then I tried Benedict first name and XVI last name. Still no go.

So, I'm online with American Express and the guy sounds Indian. The only word I could understand was "Internet". But, he refused to tell me where he was from for "security reasons". I'm like, "Schmuck! It's Benedict. Just Benedict. Like Madonna, Prince or Cher." Finally, I yelled, "Like Ghandi!" and suddenly he's able to connect the dots (pun intended).

Tomorrow, I'm off to the Vatican DMV. You think a lot of people attended John Paul's funeral? That's nothing compared to the VDMV. But, it can't be avoided. I'm 78 and I need to be retested to operate the Popemobile. And, yes, we park it in the Popecave.

The Popemobile rocks! I can't wait!

MY ALMA MATER

2005-04-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

I will always look back with fondness on my time spent attending The College of Cardinals. Some of the better players went on to have great careers; guys like Lou Brock and Bob Gibson. I wasn't surprised when we were swept out of the series last year by the Red Sox. Nearly a third of our players are 80 or older. Not exactly fair! In any event, the great thing about TCOC is that you get a real education. Anyone who doesn't make the majors, has this religion deal to fall back on.

MY FIRST BIG MISUNDERSTANDING

2005-04-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

The first thing they told me was that I had to get a new staff. That I couldn't use John Paul's. So, I fired everyone.

VIEW FROM THE TOP

2005-04-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

The press regarding my flegling papacy has thus far been on the negative side.

One would think that when people see a German, high on a balcony, gesturing to hundreds of thousands of admirers, they would feel a sense of...wait a minute. Now I get it.

GEORGE IS PISSIN' ME OFF!

2005-04-20T15:08:00.001-07:00

I haven't even been fitted for my trainee hat and here I've got George, my holier than thou big brother predicting a "short reign"! Thanks, George! But, if you wouldn't mind keeping your "shock" and "concern" to yourself, this is my papacy! (George always has been my Billy Carter.) Sour grapes! That's what it is. I'm doin' the Vatican thang and he can't seem to find his way out of Regensburg. I swear to God, I'd like to shove this staff right up his ass!

FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

2005-04-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

John Paul's apartment is a wreck. The Maids will be here later this afternoon to clean the place up. Empty beer cans all over the floor and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos. And, the Bowflex looks like it hasn't been used in years!

I'm going to need Road Runner to manage all this email. John Paul was still on dial-up. No wonder he was all humped over.

Don' t tell anyone, but I'm thinking of allowing women to be priests, but only in primarily Islamic nations.

Well, gotta' run. Michael Jackson's on Court TV.

WOW!

2005-04-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

Today I was elected Pope!